MePhone 2017

Sup, guys. So 2016 is well and truly over, its time to talk New Years resolutions. A lot of people say that they don’t believe in them but I think that we all went

Let me explain, after 365 days of living and loving, we are bound to reflect and realize that some shit has got to change. Change is necessary for growth, it’s like Steve Jobs (may his soul RIP) said in his Stanford commencement speech, we can’t look forward to make sense of life but can only look to our past to guide our future. So I’ve had time while clearing free on a beach,to ponder the last year I’ve had and have decided to change a few things and leave some firmly in 2016…

Things that I learnt:
1. You can’t make someone like you i.e. Persuasion is not attraction.
2. There no bounds to the love you can give yourself. Don’t accept second rate love, also just be proud of yourself, cause like I said before if you happy with yourself then you don’t anyone else’s affirmation.
3. You can’t make anyone happy, it’s their choice all you can do is be secure in who and what you are.

Things that need to change:
1. I always believed “treat people the way you want to be treated…” and 2016 has taught that’s not always the case, you can be as genuinely nice as Winnie the fucking pooh, but if people don’t want to be as nice as you they won’t. So no more Miss Nice Girly, in 2017. #NiceForWhat
2. Stop hesitating and take more risks, stop worrying about failing and just take the shot cause at the end of the match, it will still count as a shot on target.
3. Maybe learn to cook at least one curry….just in case Rio Ferdinand needs to impressed by my ethnicity.
4. Let it go, just like James Bay sings let it go, leave all the broken pieces to the breeze…leave all the resentment, the second guessing and fractured emotions in 2016.

Aside, from working on my intrinsic factors to grow, there are extrinsic factors that influence your growth like the people in and around you.For instance, the Pepsi uncle who didn’t believe in the Macintosh, and subsequently ousted Steve jobs from apple circa 1984, bitches like that have to get a red card from your life with a lifetime ban, with no appeal. The need to be added to the somebody’s that I used to know folder in your brain.

My somebody that I used to know folder reads like this, things that need to be left in 2016

1. All the now popular term Fuckboys, the ones who only like you skin bearing insta photos, the males who like your ass but not your assets, those idiots who call you hot and not pretty, oh and that not because they lack the vocab they really just like your body and could care less if your discover plutonium
2. The Tywin Lannisters, who despite all your efforts to uplift their existence they still don’t care for your existence, those people who you could give 9 realms and 7 kingdoms too, but all they want is a small rock from the shadowlands beyond Ayrshire. No more being a crutch for anyone
3. Haters, naturally.

So I’m excited for 2017, breaking some habits will be hard but change comes with getting older. It’s the year, to be selfish with your mental space, with your heart and time. Life is too short to settle for less than you deserve. Just keep your head down and be patient with your goals…

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Anyways, love you,bye😘

Excuse me, while I dismount from my high horse

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So my last 3 posts sounded like a Taylor swift song, if it were written by maleficent, on her period. I make no apologies for my reductive reasoning on men of the 21st century. But maybe I should explain my bitchitis…

So yeah admittedly I’ve met a couple of douches along my way, who only wanted to ransack my Calvin Kliens, which I know is a tale as old as time but that was not the reason for my Adele-album sized melt-downed. Actually, I was really pissed how guys just start things with you and then decide, they’re going to lose you just like a Lego piece that you will find 20 years later under your sofa.

I was pissed about their assumptions and how if they truly said what they felt and wanted then I don’t know I would die or turn into a white walker, recently a friend said to me “when you assume, you make an ass out’ve you and me…” and that is basically as legit as Kris Jenner’s Berkin collection.

If you after a couple of texts, one or two chance encounters presume to know a person, then you deserve a Paul Scholes free-kick to the back of your head. Not all girls are going to knot their panties and through a hissy fit if you came at her like genuwine. I mean if you don’t like me, then you don’t. There isn’t anything in all the universes that I can do to make you change how you feel but at the same time, you don’t have to be an ass about it. All you have to do is be real, like Kanye west and tell it like it is.

“Words left unspoken, left us so brittle…” -Depeche Mode, “Precious”.

Pretty much sums up all the problems in this world, having to not express what you truly feel is like being trapped, and usually is why passive aggression is so popular. All the shade throwing and subtweets out of fear of the recipients reaction is usually the “why” people don’t say and do exactly what they feel. If you think about it, avoiding the problem is basically like passing a level of game, forgetting that eventually you going to get to the boss-level. There is always a boss-level, ignoring that fact doesn’t make it disappear.

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Also, you haven’t met all of the homosapiens on this planet, you haven’t assimilated their personas to assume that they will react negatively to your openness and transparency. Your honesty, admittedly would hurt but I’m 90% sure it won’t kill you or me, I mean after you have heart surgery or any surgery for that matter, it hurts but it didn’t kill you and if you can survive those odds, I doubt some words of truth will end mine or your existence.

In saying all of that, let me jump of this horse and say, everyone can’t be like me(i.e. honesty is the best policy & all…)and if all you want to do is go through life thinking that by not saying or doing anything will not hurt people, then that’s your choice. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many spirited blog posts I write, it won’t inspire you change who and what you are, as long when you lay your head on that pillow tonight, you are happy with who you are.

Anyways, love you, bye😘

When I grow up, all I want to be is not “hot”

Ola, amigos! As a girl living in the 21st century, no as a single girl living in the 21st century, people are always cautioning you about guys who only want to use you for your body and nothing more, and unfortunately this is a truth that every vagina wielding person must face sometime in their lifetime.

This happens to me more often than not, before you say “Oh, what a little Naomi Campbell you are…”, having men only want for your body, is not as appealing as usher Raymond makes it seem.

Boys/Men/The part of the human population who have an after-thought of a sexual organ protruding through those poorly tailored pants, can be thirsty AF. Yes, that is a massive generalization and will remain one until I meet someone/something who proves all my theories inconclusive. In a world where instant gratification is paramount and a growing population of Fuckboys, my theories are going to remain conclusive for a while.

Their play, is now as predictable as Jose Mourinho’s favored 4-3-3, It always starts with him calling you hot, followed by incessant texting and fawning over every skin-revealing-tight-dress-wearing instagram post and when he realizes that your panties are never touching the ground, it’s SILENCE, the silence that NASA gets from Mars!

Being called hot has the potential to have you feeling like Kim Kardashian after she breaks the internet but for me, being called hot, is a tell-tale sign that all he wants is to rip off my panties/thongs or g-strings and gentrify my gonads. I say gentrify, cause immediately after he enters and leaves me, I probably will feel as valuable as a 2-bedroom flat in Inglewood and a couple months or even years after a lot construction on my self-image, the value of my self-worth has quantified.

The feminist in me, wants to believe that if a guy treats you like a disposable pleasure rather than a meaningful pursuit, than you start treating guys similarly. And I am aware that there are girls/women who are down for the sex-only relationships, sometimes I try to convince myself that I can be one of those girls, but the cold hard truth is I’m not and a lifetime of idolising Paul Scholes tells me that I should be content with who I am and what I offer to the world around me.So, the nice girl, that I have been for the last 24 years has me to believing, that there is no way my conception came about just to satisfy some emotionally disconnected gits, wants.

I think of them as the Poonanibal Lectres of the world, cause remember all Hannibal wanted from his victims were their bodies, and all they want is the poonani, they could care less if you discovered water on mars. All they looking for is p-bomb on the v-bomb. Hence, the moniker #PoonanibalLectre.

Now let me drop some unsolicited truths, you know how guys never want to go from zero to relationship similarly some girls or at least this girl doesn’t want to go from zero to fuckgirl.

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I won’t admit to being a prude, cause with my mouth and all my thoughts about Rio Ferdinand, I know it can’t be true, but listen if you said to me “Uhm look I only starting talking to you cause I wanted to butter your muffin, but if that’s not going to happen there’s no reason to continue this conversation” I would respect that, might even convince the Nobel Commitee to create an award for you but the whole ignore her, she’ll forget game is played out, immature, mean and selfish AF! Obviously, I’m not 5 so I’m not going to assume every guy who utters 3 syllables to me is my future husband. Some of us, are cool with the transparency. And your honesty won’t kill me, cause once the brakes failed on my dads corolla and I survived…

So again being nice and honest never killed anyone besides that sexy Israeli guy who was born on 25 December. And not one person is going to assume that you are him, because your beard sucks and you can’t rock the long hair and sandals for shit.

Anyways, love you,bye😘

He/She Died Replying To Your Text

Sup, nerds! So I’ve been thinking yes overthinking about all the texts that I’ve sent and never gotten a reply, I’m like 500 000 % sure that we all have sometime or the other never gotten a reply, since like texting is the most common means of communication in the 21st century.

What is texting? It is a short and instant form of communication. Texting connects homosapiens. For me personally, I prefer texting mostly cause I suck at verbally expressing myself. Through texting we are able to converse with people all across this planet without having to pay exorbitant telephone bills, we are able to build and foster relationships when we cannot be close to those we love and like. My thinking is texting is a form of conversation and in a conversation you speak, I listen and comprehend and then I reply. So why isn’t normal conversational etiquette not necessary when texting?

I mean, for days nay for months I’ve been thinking of possible reasons to avoid replying to text messages, and I’ve come up with some theories, using my popcorn psychology

Theory 1: You receive a mass text or broadcast message about a sale, or some internet gimmick etc.
Reason not to reply, it’s kind of a PSA and not really a intimate setting in which a reply is warranted.

Theory 2: It’s a text from a random wrong number
Reason not to reply, that could be some kind of terrorist shiz, and you’re too young & beautiful to be a suicide bomber.

Theory 3: It’s a text from a person, you’ve kind of sort of maybe something with
Reason/s not to reply:
(a) You are genuinely busy AF & when I say busy AF, I mean you are defending the planet from Loki, Frost Giants or The damn Chitari or disarming a nuclear bomb cause really it would literally take you a millisecond to say “busy”, no need to be like “boo, I’m busy text later” a simple “busy” would get straight to it💁

OR

(b)You genuinely don’t like this person, you were mildly amused by their existence for a time and then you decided you don’t like them but you’re a spineless little drain rat with not a shred of honour or balls to tell that person that you don’t like them and also you find a sick comfort in leaving that door slightly open cause you know that as long you don’t completely come of it and say nothing will come of this thing, you stand a 0,5% chance of at least a booty call situation. Even it’s a casual thing, a reply wouldn’t kill you unless….🤔

(c) YOU WILL LITERALLY DIE, if you reply! Like for reals, Ultron tapped your mobile and if you text that person back, he will kill you not badly injure you, like literally 6-feet under being chewed on by maggots and like dead! ☠️

Haha, writing this was so much fun😂and like in my opinion, unsolicited of course, we should always strive to be honest, I mean honesty only ever killed a few people, amongst those was Jesus and please after all the dick/booty pic’s that half you lot exchange, not one person would ever relate you to the likes of him. But if you have any theories, share them with me🙌

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Anyways, love you, bye😘